Knowing I Have to Forgive Feels Like Punishment… and I'm Not the One Who Did Anything Wrong

 

Sometimes there’s no worse feeling than realizing someone has done something truly terrible — and somehow, it’s your job to forgive them.

Photo by Muhmed Alaa El-Bank 

Maybe they lied. Maybe they betrayed you, hurt someone you love, or caused real harm in the world. You're the one who’s been wounded… and yet you're the one who has to take the high road?
It can feel unfair. Like you’re being asked to carry the burden of making peace — when the other person hasn't even apologized.

Honestly, getting started on forgiveness can be one of the most uncomfortable parts of the spiritual path.

There’s a moment — sometimes many moments — where forgiveness feels like giving up your sense of justice. Like letting someone “get away with it.” Like betraying your own pain.

And that’s where we need to pause and shift how we understand forgiveness.

Forgiveness isn’t saying it was okay.

It’s not pretending something didn’t hurt, or that it wasn’t wrong.

Forgiveness is saying:
“I refuse to let this pain rule my life any longer.”
It’s choosing freedom.
It’s choosing peace.
It’s choosing to stop carrying the energy of a harmful person or situation in your nervous system, your body, your thoughts.

When we forgive, we’re not excusing the behavior.
We’re releasing the hold it has on us.

It may feel hard at first — like you're being asked to let go when what you really want is justice.
But forgiveness doesn’t deny justice.
It simply says: “I trust that the universe, God, karma, or the soul's own journey will handle that part. My job is to reclaim my peace.”

You’re not letting them off the hook.
You're letting yourself off the hook.

You're not forgetting what happened.
You're simply choosing not to let it poison your spirit any longer.

You don't have to invite them over to dinner.  You don't even have to be anywhere near them if you don't want to.  

Jesus washed their feet.  But luckily, that is not being asked of us. We are only asked to forgive.  

It's sometimes hard to get started at, but with a little practice, we can do it readily and easily.

Forgiveness isn’t weakness.
It’s power.
It’s strength.
And sometimes — it’s the bravest thing you’ll ever do.

Photo by Aleksandr Ledogorov

Want to go deeper into forgiveness?

• Explore how forgiveness reconnects us to divine compassion in Unblocking our Connection to Love.
• My book, Forgiveness is the Key to Happiness, offers heartfelt guidance, spiritual tools, and real-life practices.  Read it on Amazon →
• Let daily affirmations support you too — discover the Forgiveness Metta Card Deck for a gentle morning practice of peace and release. View the deck on Etsy →

Let these tools light your path — because forgiveness sets you free.
— Sue Pipal

Adyashanti on Forgiveness

How Misunderstanding Leads to Suffering—and How Forgiveness Heals

Adyashanti’s Teachings on Forgiveness

I'm just loving Adyashanti's new book, Resurrecting Jesus.  To me, Adyashanti's teachings are universal. Sometimes when I read his words or hear him talk, I think, "He has to be a A Course in Miracles teacher, not a Buddhist."  He is a true mystic.  In this new book, Adyashanti looks at Jesus's life and teachings from a fresh perspective and I'm finding it all very inspiring.

This morning in my reading I ran across this passage on forgiveness:

"Forgiveness comes from a deep openhearted state of compassion.  Really, it comes from our spiritual essence--which I call divine being--because from our spiritual essence there is an understanding of what suffering is all about. From the heart of divine being, what we realize is that everything that causes us pain and sorrow is ultimately born from misunderstanding.  It's a type of illusion.  When Jesus says "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do," this is what he's pointing to.  When people are in a state of spiritual clarity--an inner state of psychological, emotional, and spiritual unity--then by the very nature of that unity, they don't act out of ignorance  Ignorance is simply a misunderstanding of the fundamental reality, of what we truly are.  

When we lose consciousness of our deepest self, our deepest being as divine being itself, then in a sense we go unconscious.  Part of us goes to sleep, you might say.  Then, we are prone to illusion.  We misunderstand things.  We think if someone insults us, for example, that we need to respond with anger; we forget that they're just expressing their own inner conflict, their own inner division, which is ultimately based on misunderstanding.  The very root of sin, to use Jesus' language, is something that can be forgiven  It's forgivable because it's an unconscious act, a result of being spiritually asleep.  We can't be blamed for being unconscious, for acting out our unconsciousness, even for feeling the effects of our unconsciousness within our psychology.  

Everyone has those days when you feel like you've woken up on the good side of the universe when everything just naturally feels whole and complete, when you're happy and at peace and you don't really know why.  When this happens you're more aligned with life, and you naturally go about the day as a much more open person.  You're more compassionate and you're more loving because compassion and love are expressions of being internally united.  So forgiveness is ultimately an act that comes from that inner unification.  One doesn't have to be entirely unified inwardly to forgive.  Forgiveness can also come out of the sense of open-heartedness, of understanding that nobody is perfect.  

The open heart is compassionate because it maintains an essential connection.  But as soon as we separate ourselves from another--as soon as we say, "No there's nothing in you that corresponds with something in me," as soon as we forget that you and I essentially share the same spiritual essence--then we cut ourselves off, and we go into blame.  Forgiveness comes from that deep intuition of our sameness, of our shared humanity.  That perception starts to lower the walls of defense, and being judgmental is ultimately a defensive game, a way of saying, "I am not like you."  To forgive is really a way of saying, "I see something in you that's the same as in me."  Then, even though you may be upset, even though the other person may have caused you pain or harm, when you connect with your shared humanity, there's forgiveness."   

Want to go Deeper into Forgiveness?

• Read more on how forgiveness reconnects us with divine love in: Unblocking our Connection to Love →
• Explore my book, Forgive and Be Happy, for gentle wisdom and spiritual practices that bring healing and peace.   Explore the book on Amazon → Forgiveness is the Key to Happiness
• Try the Forgiveness Metta Cards → Daily reminders for release and renewal. A perfect addition to your altar, journal, or morning meditation. Take a look on Etsy →

Let these tools support your journey — because forgiveness sets you free.

—Sue Pipal