Knowing I Have to Forgive Feels Like Punishment… and I'm Not the One Who Did Anything Wrong

 

Sometimes there’s no worse feeling than realizing someone has done something truly terrible — and somehow, it’s your job to forgive them.

Photo by Muhmed Alaa El-Bank 

Maybe they lied. Maybe they betrayed you, hurt someone you love, or caused real harm in the world. You're the one who’s been wounded… and yet you're the one who has to take the high road?
It can feel unfair. Like you’re being asked to carry the burden of making peace — when the other person hasn't even apologized.

Honestly, getting started on forgiveness can be one of the most uncomfortable parts of the spiritual path.

There’s a moment — sometimes many moments — where forgiveness feels like giving up your sense of justice. Like letting someone “get away with it.” Like betraying your own pain.

And that’s where we need to pause and shift how we understand forgiveness.

Forgiveness isn’t saying it was okay.

It’s not pretending something didn’t hurt, or that it wasn’t wrong.

Forgiveness is saying:
“I refuse to let this pain rule my life any longer.”
It’s choosing freedom.
It’s choosing peace.
It’s choosing to stop carrying the energy of a harmful person or situation in your nervous system, your body, your thoughts.

When we forgive, we’re not excusing the behavior.
We’re releasing the hold it has on us.

It may feel hard at first — like you're being asked to let go when what you really want is justice.
But forgiveness doesn’t deny justice.
It simply says: “I trust that the universe, God, karma, or the soul's own journey will handle that part. My job is to reclaim my peace.”

You’re not letting them off the hook.
You're letting yourself off the hook.

You're not forgetting what happened.
You're simply choosing not to let it poison your spirit any longer.

You don't have to invite them over to dinner.  You don't even have to be anywhere near them if you don't want to.  

Jesus washed their feet.  But luckily, that is not being asked of us. We are only asked to forgive.  

It's sometimes hard to get started at, but with a little practice, we can do it readily and easily.

Forgiveness isn’t weakness.
It’s power.
It’s strength.
And sometimes — it’s the bravest thing you’ll ever do.

Photo by Aleksandr Ledogorov

Want to go deeper into forgiveness?

• Explore how forgiveness reconnects us to divine compassion in Unblocking our Connection to Love.
• My book, Forgiveness is the Key to Happiness, offers heartfelt guidance, spiritual tools, and real-life practices.  Read it on Amazon →
• Let daily affirmations support you too — discover the Forgiveness Metta Card Deck for a gentle morning practice of peace and release. View the deck on Etsy →

Let these tools light your path — because forgiveness sets you free.
— Sue Pipal

The Judger Always Feels Judged

 A Course in Miracles Insight on Healing Criticism

"The Judger Always Feels Judged."

I've had this statement taped to the inside of my medicine cabinet door for the past four years at least.  I'm not sure where I found it, perhaps it's from A Course in Miracles.

What We Give, We Receive

It is an important reminder each day that what we give out is returned to us.  If I mentally criticize others on a regular basis, I know that I will feel like the world around me is watching me with disapproving eyes.

 
On the other hand, if I go about my day looking for the best aspects of everyone I meet, seeing them through eyes of love and overlooking shortcomings, I will be supported, valued and cherished by the world around me.

Seeing Through Eyes of Love

I once attended a seminar with Stuart Mooney, a self acclaimed American Buddha, who says he is enlightened.  I love what he had to say about the people in his world, "I just love everyone I see.  To me they are just so lovable, even the unpleasant ones."  Isn't this a perfect way to put it?

Everyone Is on Their Own Journey

Of course, not everyone out there is making the best choices.  When I say overlooking shortcomings, it's not that we don't always see another's "unpleasantness", but that we do learn to accept it as what is.  It's our job to respect everyone's right to their own adventures in this world.  If they choose to be difficult or misled, we have to just chalk it up to the fact that they simply don't know better and they're doing whatever it is they think they need to do to make the best of this life.  As Course students, we often say that we all either living love or crying out for love.

A Course in Miracles says that "we don't know what anything is for."  Therefore it's important not to judge what we see around us.  Since we are all here to get our forgiveness lessons so that we can grow and purify ourselves--until we eventually awaken, it is quite necessary that we have forgiveness opportunities.  That means someone has to play the bad guy so that there will be something to forgive. The person that you love to hate just may be a soul who has come here in this lifetime with an agreement to be annoying so that you can have the opportunity to forgive him and grow.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that we allow murders and child molesters to roam freely harming others at will.  When people behave in a manner that is dangerous to others, we need to protect the innocents. However, even criminals are deserving of our loving forgiveness.

Forgiveness as a Spiritual Practice

Healing one's mind of the habit of judging is not something that happens over-night, at least in my experience.  I've been working on it for some years now and although I've made a lot of progress, I still find my mind thinking critical thoughts occasionally.  It really is only a habit though and if you stop and notice it, over time it will lessen.

Watch Your Mind, Even on Screen

I think it's very important that we carefully watch television, listen to the radio, read the papers or browse the internet.  And we need to make sure we’re not judging people we don’t even know (or even judging characters in TV shows or movies).  Just because we don't know someone does not give us the license to judge them.  Remember that all minds are linked and on some level, you are attacking these people.  Also, this habit of judging people and fictional characters makes it even harder to stop judging the real people in our lives. 

Want to go deeper into forgiveness?

Read this posting that explains more on why forgiveness is our best pathway to peace and happiness: Unblocking our Connection to Love

My book, Forgiveness is the Key to Happiness, offers gentle guidance, spiritual reflections, and real-world practices to help you heal, release, and return to peace.

Explore the book on Amazon → Forgiveness is the Key to Happiness

Make forgiveness a daily practice. Let the Forgiveness Metta Cards guide you each morning with affirmations and soul-soothing reminders to help you release and bless. A beautiful companion to your journal or meditation time.

Take a look on Etsy → 

Let these tools support your journey — because forgiveness sets you free.

— Sue Pipal