The Judger Always Feels Judged

"The Judger Always Feels Judged."

I've had this statement taped to the inside of my medicine cabinet door for the past four years at least.  I'm not sure where I found it, perhaps it's from A Course in Miracles.

Regardless, it is an important reminder each day that what we give out is returned to us.  If I mentally criticize others on a regular basis, I know that I will feel like the world around me is watching me with disapproving eyes.

On the other hand, if I go about my day looking for the best aspects of everyone I meet, seeing them through eyes of love and overlooking shortcomings, I will be supported, valued and cherished by the world around me.

I once attended a seminar with Stuart Mooney, a self acclaimed American Buddha, who says he is enlightened.  I love what he had to say about the people in his world, "I just love everyone I see.  To me they are just so lovable, even the unpleasant ones."  Isn't this is a perfect way to put it?

Of course, not everyone out there is making the best choices.  When I say overlooking shortcomings, it's not that we don't always see another's "unpleasantness", but that we do learn to accept it as what is.  It's our job to respect everyone's right to their own adventures in this world.  If they choose to be difficult or misled, we have to just chalk it up to the fact that they simply don't know better and they're doing whatever it is they think they need to do to make the best of this life.  As Course students, we often say that we all either living love or crying out for love.

A Course in Miracles says that "we don't know what anything is for."  Therefore it's important not to judge what we see around us.  Since we are all here to get our forgiveness lessons so that we can grow and purify ourselves--until we eventually awaken, it is quite necessary that we have forgiveness opportunities.  That means someone has to play the bad guy so that there will be something to forgive. The person that you love to hate just may be a soul who has come here in this lifetime with an agreement to be annoying so that you can have the opportunity to forgive him and grow.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that we allow murders and child molesters to roam freely harming others at will.  When people behave in a manner that is dangerous to others, we need to protect the innocents.  However, even criminals are deserving of our loving forgiveness.

 Healing one's mind of the habit of judging is not something that happens over-night, at least in my experience.  I've been working on it for some years now and although I've made a lot of progress, I still find my mind thinking critical thoughts occasionally.  It really is only a habit though and if you stop and notice it, over time it will lessen.

I think it's very important that we carefully watch television, listen to the radio, read the papers or browse the internet.  We need to making sure that we are not judging people that we don't actually know (or even judging characters in TV shows or movies).  Just because we don't know someone does not give us the license to judge them.  Remember that all minds are linked and on some level, you are attacking these people.  Also, this habitual indulgence of judging people and characters that "aren't real" will make it all the more difficult to stop the habit of judging the people that you actually know or meet up with.

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Repeat Offenders

Many of us have someone in our regular everyday lives that repeatedly presses our buttons.  For some of us, this person annoys or triggers irritation in us just about every time we see them.

What do we do about this?

We forgive them every time this happens.  Yes, every single time.  Even if that means that we are forgiving the same person over and over each day.

It is very important to keep our forgiveness current, because when we go about our day with an un-forgiveness, we have switched ourselves out of a state of love and into a state of fear-based thinking.  Our day will then be filled with further problems and upsets until we get ourselves back into a state of alignment through our forgiveness.

It's also a good idea to review each day before going to bed at night and forgive this person once again before sleep. This will help to keep our dreams free of further disturbance and entanglement with them.

Some people are just difficult for us.   I've mentioned before that we come into this life with forgiveness challenges.  Life is a classroom and we have particular lessons to learn.  Some of us are given certain people that we need to learn to forgive.  It's part of our growth and purification process.  That means that we might find ourselves married to a spouse that irritates us frequently, or we might have a boss or an employee that is a constant challenge for us.  Perhaps one of our children is difficult for us to deal with.

Rather than letting this situation unduly frustrate or upset us, it's important to view it as what it is, a forgiveness opportunity.  This person is in our lives giving us the chance to grow and learn.

It's also important to take a good long deep hard look at why we feel annoyed with this person.  Chances are this person is mirroring back to us something we don't like about ourselves.  Look at what it is that makes this person difficult for you.  Are they too critical, short-tempered, easily frustrated, quick to lose control?  Whatever it is, you will probably find a little of that same characteristic in your own make-up.  As part of your forgiveness work, you'll need to go deeper in developing a more realistic understanding of this aspect of yourself and releasing and forgiving it in your own psyche as you work to forgive it in theirs.

Now, here's the good news.  Over time as you forgive this person again and again, you will find yourself becoming less frequently annoyed by them.  Part of this is because as your forgiveness washes over them, they will actually begin to lesson up on the annoying behavior.  Additionally, as you work on releasing this aspect of your own mind, you will feel less and less activated by their behavior.  This might be a slow process and take weeks, months and even years to resolve completely.  However, keep at it and you'll find that your life steadily improves as you do this work.

Remember, we're all here to see the truth about the world.  And that truth is that we are all really only LOVE, that we are One and that each and every one of us is the same.  We are going to have to figure out how to live this belief one way or another.  Be in a state of gratitude that this irritating person is in your life, showing you the way to Truth.  You have an easy everyday assignment that will get you there.  Just forgive this one person that annoys you over and over, every day.  Bless them and show them love through your forgiveness and bring on a happier state of mind for both of you.

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The Man in the Mirror

We judge the most that which reflects back to us the worst parts of ourselves.  When someone is really and truly irritating us, most often it is because we are irritated with parts of our own self that we dislike.

In order to grow, sometimes we have to look deep within at that which we don't want to see.

I am easily upset by people that get angry quickly at little things in life.  Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than sitting in a car with someone who is raging away at all the bad drivers of the world. I hate rages, upsets and rants.  I want everyone to behave like my father who would calmly and quietly steer the car clear of any road insanity or simply wait patiently for whatever difficulties were happening on the road to clear up.  Even in a sudden emergency, he would simply react, jerking the steering wheel or braking suddenly as needed but with little or no comment or judgment.  This is the behavior I crave.   

And yet, I see that the trait of impatience and anger resides deep within me.  

Of course, it used to be much stronger.  My years of forgiveness work have taken me to a place where I am usually calm in most situations.  However, I am perfectly capable of feeling a "disturbance in the force" under the right circumstances.  Or should I say wrong circumstances?  

When I feel angry that I am trapped in a car with someone who is angry at everyone else, aren't I just judging the angry person for being exactly what I am--angry?

When I become aware of something like this, I know it is time for me to do a little looking in the mirror.  Where is my anger coming from?  Have there been times in my past when I have felt frustrated or impatient with life and unable to move forward?  That is often the feeling we have when we are driving behind slow drivers or drivers that seem confused or unable to decide where they are going.  

Or, when in my past have I felt victimized or put upon?  When have I felt that my possible moves were being controlled or blocked by others? 

As Colin Tipping likes to say, "If you spot it, you got it".   Because our lives out-picture the contents of our mind, when we see something unpleasant in our world, it's time to ask ourselves the question, "Where in my thinking, did I bring this into my world?"

When we discover our own negative and fearful thoughts, it is time to do a little forgiveness work.

We can start right in front of us by forgiving whatever appeared in our own lives today that triggered all this introspection.  Then we can forgive whatever we find deep in our psyche that is our own version of negativity and fear related to today's events.  Finally, we can ask ourselves the question, "When did this kind of thinking first show up in my life?"  And, "At what other times has it surfaced?"  We can then forgive the people and circumstances involved in these earlier versions of today's issue.  If we are able to pinpoint it's source in our lives, this is the very best place to focus our forgiveness.  

Watching what we judge and doing this kind of forgiveness work around the things that press our buttons is a very effective way to clean and purify our minds.  In just a short time, we can come a long way toward releasing a great deal of fear and negativity.

Surprisingly, this work can be very pleasurable.  First, because it helps you feel so much better.  But secondly, because the sleuthing into our minds and our pasts is intriguing.  After all, what's more interesting than ourselves?  

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Why is this Bugging Me?

"Therefore, in truth, understand well.  Forgiveness is essential.  What has not been forgiven in others, has not been forgiven in you.  But not by a God who sits outside of you, for He never judges.  What you have not forgiven in another or in the world is but a reflection of what you carry within as a burden that you cannot forgive of yourself."  --The Way of Mastery p.26

The next time you find yourself irritated with someone, ask yourself "Why is this bugging me?"  We are almost always most activated by those aspects we dislike in our own character.   Examining our irritations with others is a great way to learn what we need to forgive about ourselves.

For example, I hate a bossy know-it-all.  This is because these are repressed characteristics of my own personality.  I am always struggling to keep them at bay in my self and when I see someone who has let them loose, it just really irritates me!

Forgiveness is a chance to take a good long look in the mirror.  As Colin Tipping likes to say, "If you spot it, you got it!"

Sometimes it's hard to recognize yourself in another's abhorrent behavior.  Keep looking and you'll find yourself there.  It's not always obvious. You might say, "I am upset at a man who murdered his wife, but I'm not a murderer".  Yes, but do you ever have murderous thoughts?  Do you ever wish that someone who annoys you would just be gone?

I am learning to bring these "unattractive" elements of myself to the light of forgiveness.  I can only love others when I am capable of truly loving myself and loving myself means that I love and accept all parts of me.

In The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Debbie Ford recommends that we not only forgive our most unattractive characteristics but that we actually learn to accept and even celebrate them.  They can become our strengths.

For example,  my tendency towards bossy know-it-all-ness is the same characteristic which enables me to be a good teacher.  Yes, I have to reign it in and keep it under control, but if I wasn't such a bossy know-it-all, I would never have the courage and confidence to teach.  It's when I enfold my bossy know-it-all-ness in love that I am at my very best.

The universe serves us up the lessons we need the most on a platter.  It seems that everywhere I look there is another bossy know-it-all.  This is because this is a lesson I need to repeat often.  Importantly, as I forgive the bossy know-it-alls in my world, I forgive this same characteristic in myself.  And the more I forgive myself, the more I come to peace.  

Forgive Someone You Love

I really believe that our biggest "forgiveness opportunities", as we A Course in Miracles Students like to call them, come from the people we know best.  The people that we are in relationship with can be our greatest source of joy...and they can also be our greatest source of annoyance or outright hurt.  Spouses, significant others, children, siblings, best friends or anyone else that we spend a great deal of time with, are often the people we find ourselves needing to forgive over and over.

I am going to give some tips on forgiving the people that we "love" the most, but first, I think it's important that we all give a good hard look at the reasons why we need to forgive our loved ones so often.  Remember that when we find that we need to forgive someone, it is because we have first judged them in some way.  We all need to ask ourselves some hard questions:

Are we too critical of our families, friends and loved ones?
Do we look at these relationships in terms of what we can get from them versus what we can give?
Do we have expectations for these people?
Are we accepting who they truly are or do we want them to be something else?
Are we looking at these people to be the source of our good in this world? 

No person is responsible for our happiness.  True happiness is something that comes from inside ourselves.  It comes when we know that we are loved and cherished by Spirit and are therefore able to love and cherish ourselves.  If we go looking for happiness elsewhere, we will never really find it.  Yes, we may find something that looks and smells a little bit like happiness for awhile, but it will always be fleeting.

Only the happiness we get from inside is the permanent kind that grows and deepens and sustains.  Forgiveness is the process through which we earn that happiness.  As we forgive others by offering them love, we begin to realize that we are worthy of that love, too.  It's a universal law, "You get what you give."  Happiness never comes from others, rather it comes when we give love to others.  Forgiveness is one of the ways we do this.

So first, let's all give a long hard look at each of our most challenging personal relationships and be honest with ourselves about how much of the discomfort we feel from those relationships is of our own doing.  This is not something that we will spend a quick few minutes on, but something that we will be studying and watching for the next few months as we really observe our own feelings and behaviors.

In the meantime, when we do find that someone we love is annoying us or hurting our feelings in any way, let's practice a little forgiveness.  My favorite forgiveness process for this situation is available in an audio format that you can download for $2.99, Forgive Someone NOW.

This audio takes 13 minutes to listen to, but it will teach you a process that takes less than a minute to complete once you get a little practice with it.  This is also forgiveness process #1, Seeing the Higher Truth, as outlined in my book, "Forgiveness is the Key to Happiness".  This is by far the process that I use the most frequently.  In fact, I use it almost every day for just about every thing that hurts or annoys me in my present

And here's a little advanced forgiveness experiment I recommend.  The next time someone that you "love" is upsetting you try "flipping the switch" right then and there.  

Go right from fear to love.  See if you can just stop the ego rampage in your mind.  Just let go of all those critical thoughts, those needy thoughts, those "I have to be right" thoughts, those "I need you to complete me" thoughts.  Just drop them.  Just do it.  And then turn up the love.  Direct feelings of deep love toward your loved one.  Let them amplify until they engulf the two of you.  Just keep intensifying the love.

One fascinating by-product of forgiveness is that it actually changes the world around us.  If you practice forgiving the people you love every time they press your buttons, you will find that over time your buttons get pressed less frequently, until eventually, almost never.  Do the people we love actually become less annoying with forgiveness or are we less likely to be annoyed?  Who knows?  I believe that both actually happen, but try it and see for yourself.  One thing I know for sure is that your world will change.    

This morning I was listening to a lecture with Louise Hay and Cheryl Richardson.  Cheryl Richardson mentioned that a former therapist had asked her an important question during couples' counselling.  The question was, "Do you want to keep redecorating hell or do you want to fix this?"  This is exactly the issue we face when we allow ourselves to stay in a state of annoyance, hurt or victim-hood with the people in our lives.  We can allow our egos to take over, amplifying fear and keeping us in hell, or we can connect to Spirit and switch to love.  One of those choices leads to happiness!

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Who is Irritating You Today?

Make it a practice to search your mind each day to discover all the people you feel annoyed or upset with.  Don't miss anyone.  This is important. 

Maybe a stranger cut you off in traffic on your way to work this morning.  Perhaps you stopped in for coffee and some pushy lady gave you a good jostle without saying sorry.  Was your spouse in a grouchy mood?  Did your children leave a mess in their rooms?  Do you have a client who is not returning phone calls?  Is a co-worker talking too much and wasting your time?  Maybe a friend is calling on the phone to whine about her relationship with her boyfriend, once again.

   

Gather all these people up in your mind and, one by one, forgive them all.  It only takes a minute or so for each person.  Just get it done!  If you can't do it right now, be sure you do it before the day is over.  In fact, the best time might just be as you crawl in bed tonight.  Forgive every one of the day's offenders and sleep peacefully.

If you create a habit of forgiving everyone, everyday, your life will change. 

Here's a quick and easy forgiveness practice you can use.  Picture each person you want to forgive individually and say: 

You are Spirit

Whole and Innocent

I Forgive You, I Release You

I Bless You With Love

 

You may have to repeat this a few times, but stay very sincere.  Really think about what these words mean.  When you say "You are spirit", know that each person is a beloved Son of God, made exactly in his own image.  And when you say the words "I bless you with love", visualize yourself gifting this person with as much love as you can. 

 

If you find that you are simply too deeply angry to forgive one or more of these people, you may need some hard-core forgiveness practices.  No worries, tools for handling the people and situations that really, really press our buttons can be found in my book, "Forgiveness is the Key to Happiness".

 

 

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